You Have Me.

Once again I don't really have a whole that I really want to say right now, but I still just feel this stirring in my heart to get somethings out. God has shown me the last few weeks or so how bitter and angry my heart is in so many ways, and it still feels this way. While I could easily sit and point my finger to people and circumstances in a way of deflecting the blame for my anger and disappointment, ultimately when it comes down to it I am the only one responsible, because we are not merely a by-product of the events that happen to us. It's funny I can remember getting that very same word for a friend of mine recently. God never ceases to provide me with ironic humor in the ways that His word is a double-edged sword and so whenever I speak it if it doesn't cut me and the one being spoken to in that moment I need only wait a week or less and it will cut me and penetrate my heart.

Yet, at the same time I can remember when a few days ago the Lord spoke to me and told me that it is not my fault that what has happened to me has happened and so I don't have to wear the shame and hatred of allowing my heart to get to this place. Even though I have sinned it is never God's heart to simply point the finger and expose my heart and my sin just for the sake of exposing it. He's after my healing. My joy. My love. My wholeness. My freedom. He is not after "better" external behavior or my begrudging submission to the things He reveals to me. He longs to change me and transform me, to make me new. Which is why he will often lead us places we had not intended to go to produce in our hearts a devotion and love for Him that we could not have gained had we not walked through the wilderness that he leads us into to worship him.

I have heard discipline defined as a parent's vision for their child's future. I believe that is very true. The point of discipline is not punishment or correction, the goal of discipline is love and growth. That we would no longer be like little children cast here and there by every wind and wave that comes our way. That we would grow in righteousness.

I often forget how different God is from myself, and so I become surprised when he does things differently than I would. This leads me to being much like the disciples at times. Confused. Selfish. Quarrelsome. Frightened. Yet...captured with a radical love and desire for this Man, sometimes not knowing why. This is where I find myself now. I find myself very confused about what God is doing and where He is leading, and what He is doing with my heart. I feel scared to keep giving it to him because often it feels as though he mistreats it. However, I believe it only feels this way because I am so unaware of the condition my heart is in and I dress my "wound as though it were not grievous" as Jeremiah describes. So when I hand it over to the Lord it should be no surprise to me that it needs immediate attention and surgery that will feel quite unpleasant. I'm not so sure that God really believes in using anesthetics so much either. It seems to me that numbness is the worst condition to our growth and being near to God and so it is necessary that we feel the pain fully and this leads to our heart being in a condition to fully receive his comfort as well.

Despite how much things hurt and despite how messed up my heart feels I am also captured with this desire for the Lord that were I to deny I would be denying myself, and so I here his voice beckoning me to return to Him and I can't help but come, despite my doubts and fears that he really cares. Like the disciples said, "Where else would we go?"

Yesterday while driving home I listened to the song "I've Seen I AM" by Jonathan David Helser, and I felt as though the Father were singing it over me. The lyrics that stood out to me most were, "I've seen I AM and now I know that I am loved." and "When I saw you Jesus...When I saw your eyes and felt your smile...maybe it was just a dream but I believe it was more than reality. When you walked right through my walls...all I could do was worship....all I could do was weep when I saw my King. I fall down like a dead man, but I am more alive than I've ever been. Oh God I fall at your feet like a dead man...but I know....I know...I'm loved...I am loved."

I know that if we just go back to Him...when we see Him we'll know that we are loved. It takes seeing Him as he really is to know that. He doesn't just want to tell us...He wants to demonstrate it.